Shit balls

So hey it's me! I feel like I haven't posted on here sense my wee regretful period of life. It's like 12:14 on a school night right now but I just got the spark, you know? When my muse erupts who am I to question.

One awful thing my muse has done to me and make me draw pretty much all day every day. It's like my muse is training my for the art WWC. My muse is the over confidant trainer rubbing my shoulders telling me I'm gonna be a star and I'm like "please sir, let me go home."

Other than that I've also been making patches, and because it's America and I'm queer so that alone entitles me to an Etsy account. But they aren't like cute artsy patches of little birds, oh no, you all should know better. My most popular patch it done on what ever fabric is near me, usually writen in sharpie, and say only this:
"Mothman is real and he tried to suck my dick"
My brother is so supportive he pup one of those bad boys on his jacket. Have fun in collage, Alex.

Speaking of West Virginia, I went there over the summer. It's awful. Holy shit. I didn't even need to stay in it for very long. We were forced to pass through on our way to Delaware (which is so much fucking better than West Virginia). We stopped at a Waffle House like 4 hours into our drive with out knowing better. We were in a West Virginia Waffle House at 2:45 am and the following things happened to us:
My friend Haley went to the bathroom and came out and wouldn't talk about what she saw.
Haley ordered a disgusting french toast abomination (which she spilled all over herself while driving just like I fucking told her she would)
We were all very scared because our two female friends who are dating sat next to each other and the rest of us were scared someone would smell us out and lecture us about original sin.
A very cute girl was working their and I almost winked at her then I remembered I was in West Virginia.
In the parking lot there were four white men were in an OFF, not moving, roofless Jeep all pretty much just yelling gibberish at us (not even really cat calling just yelling).

After our stay in Delaware (and Haley spilling like four more things on herself while driving. Like she honestly thought she could cleanly eat a fucking Popsicle while driving a car), we tried very hard to not have to go through West Virginia again, but none of us know how to use a GPS very well so we were forced to skirt along West Virginia for 5 HOURS. I didn't know "run away" trucks were a things but hey, if it's awful and scary and shouldn't exist, you bet West Virginias got it.

Anyway hi I'm back

The Adventures of BurritoMan

 Before you question my title, let me tell you a thing.

So one of our family's favorite restaurants is Taco Bell. So as a family we decided that instead of preparing a meal that we can all sit down and enjoy together, why not send the youngest and most pubescent of the ducklings out to fetch Taco Bell. So I did.

So I set out expecting nothing more than a little trip and some unwanted vocal interaction with strangers. But holy shit nah. So upon approaching the familiar glow and stank of Taco Bubble, I noticed two emergency vehicles outside of the fine establishment. One was one of those bigass police trucks that tells you "shit went down" and a fire truck because it's a fucking emergency.

I stood and watched for a minute. I had no shitting clue what to do but I really, really needed Taco Bitch badly, and the trucks were pulling away anyway. So I strode into Taco Bean to find three white women talking about what just happened. I was very curious so I asked. This is what I got:

So as these nice ladies were coming into the Taco Bell, a young gentleman knocked over the mop thing and was trying to get on the counter. He went outside and onto the streets and there was a car with the windows down, and he tried to pull the guy out of his car. He did that a few times even though his attempts to make a friend were fruitless. He then ran across the street and into a city bus to take it down town as he threw the nice woman driving it out and tried to use the bus as an escape vehicle. He was tased and put into a car by two, very large police men. He tried to get out but accidentally took his pants off. But don't worry, they got him. 

So I talked to the lady explaining it to me and made a few jokes which she laughed at none of, and I got my Taco Ballsack and went home.

The moral of the story should speak to the children: While Grand Theft Auto is really, really fun, don't do it for real, or you'll get shocked and take you're pants off too.

- Ed 

Questiny

I thought I should probably make a post seeing as the last one was crafted 4 seasons and 12 tides ago. I feel like my posts could be counted as a prophecy or someone's written destiny because of how often I make posts. Someone out there will feel a deep and uncomfortable meaning behind one of my posts and search the globe to find out what happened to RuPaul's hair. They'll make many friends along the way, and they'll have to shit in the woods behind their friend's house at least twice. But their quest will be fulfilled, because they will not only discover what happened to a youth-clinging gay man's hair, but they will also discover themselves.

But back on topic, in which the topic is school (probably). A lot of people are about to take their end of the year final test/exam/destiny. My school is so excited that we are quite actually shitting ourselves. Today we even had a pep rally where 2 and a half young ladies sang a very uplifting rap about how terrific this test will be.

Oh my Christ I wanted to kill myself.

I think they said something about getting cash and dough from your parents at one point but I couldn't really hear much of a fucking word they said. Also, one of the girls glared at me for like an hour because I coughed during their rap. I can't even control my internal conflicts happening within myself because I'm sick like a dog eating throw up (that shit is nasty), however this young lady has just lectured the entire school through interpretative dance. So she had full control of everything that went down because she had the microphone and the talking stick. I mean how much power can one person have? She clearly didn't have the right to glare at me like that, but because she's probably as dense as a small sun, she instantly thinks that what I was doing was purely to be rude and disrespectful.

But anyway I just want to say good luck to anyone about to take their final test/exam/questiny. And if you have already taken your questiny go party hard because all your grades you get from this point on don't matter. Also make sure you tell all your friends who haven't taken their's all about how hard it is and how that one kid peed his pants then threw up then passed out in his throw up. People love hearing that kind of stuff right before they take a test.



Signature

Mustard, A Poem

Mustard

A poem by me

Mustard.

I have an opinion about you,

But I'm scared of being judged.

I don't enjoy you, mustard,

And I think you smell like

Vagina.

I also think you smell like

Vinegar.

These aren't great smells,

But together I know how 

They would smell.

They'd smell like

Mustard.

I don't like you, 

Mustard,

And you have "tard" in 

Your name.

What Sucks

You know what really sucks? A lot of stuff. But you know what sucks even more? Being a butthole. So knock it off. It's not cool and it makes me want to hit a bullseye with a bow and arrow. Yeah, it's that bad.

I believe that there are different types of people in mother-cheesing America. More directly, I want to talk about some of these assholes who attend my school:

So to start off, I want to talk about the people who get really irrationally angry and do irrational things like eating in fucking class (bitch). I like to call these people The People Who Need to Pipe the Fuck Down. They do this thing when you say something about someone (be it awesome or bad) that always gets twisted into some kind of insult involving penis and vag. You could literally look at these people weird and the situation will quickly become something Lucifer made up to fuck with people. I don't usually like these people (I don't like them ever) generally because they scare the actual darn out of me. Once I made the horrifying mistake of asking one of these people for the time. That is when I began to get yelled at in some sort of weird coded language that only made a shit of sense. I'm fucking telling you, people talking in chat speak is very real and very fudging confusing. The only thing more confusing than people talking in chat speak is one of the helping teacher's beards, which is weird and patchy and pubey but he can't be younger than 30. When these people go off with little chat phrases the most confusing part is that I don't understand 90% of what the shit is that they're saying. The only phrases I can understand are "omfg gtfo" and "wtf uf" and only because I have a lot of totally, really, super gay friends.

Moving on to the people I call I Can Make a Cool Rap Out of Any Situation people. THESE PEOPLE SUCK. I don't understand why they think that the things that they have to say on the matter need to be turned into a smooth and groovey rap which can be actually spoken in words in the human language. These people will sometimes walk into a room and say things like, "Do you know who I am? Do you, do you know how I am?" As they point at random stuff like it's going to go, "Omfg sorry I didn't know Snoop African Wild Cat Jr. was in town! Hell yeah, I know who you is!" I was sitting in the hall once because I finished all my work (because I'm perfect) so they put me in the hall with an iPad and told me to "study" (I am a teenager, do you really think if you give me an ipad and put me under 0 surveillance I'm going to study? Are you developmentally disabled?). I was sitting there "studying" when this kid walked down the hall carrying like 5 whole boxes of light bulbs (probably because Ms. Frizzle got really pissed because Ralphie peed his pants again so she broke all the lights) all the while "rapping",

"These lights are gonna shine in your face, yeah these light are gonna shine in your face!"

He kept fucking saying that like 40 times until I couldn't hear him! Like actually what the funk?

I would next like to talk about the "weird" kids who flip out over shit like squirrels and blurt out words like "random!" and "squirrels!" Yes I'm talking about the the middle school poser assholes. I just call these people Comic Sans because really, if there's two things that super piss me off, it's these people  and comic sans. In fact these are the kind of people that would use comic sans to write fucking reports on the black plague. These people like to dye strips of their hair pink and purple because it's "unique" and lets them express themselves.

...
Fuck those people.



- Ed
p.s. I'm sleepy. If anyone wanted to know how I was doing, the status is the following:
Sleepy.

The Bat Episode

Once upon a time I was playing Minecraft on my computer. Holy shit this story is already so fascinating. I was walkin' around, doin' some shit, which is actually all I know how to do on Minecraft. I'm pretty good at Minecraft, though. (I have no idea how to play Minecraft correctly.) (I'm really bad at playing Minecraft.) Anyway, I was doin' stuff when I heard a weird ass squeaking-cheeping sound. At first I was like "holy fuck does Minefart have mice now, what is this shit?" I didn't know what to do so I went out of my little cave and ran around, and I still heard that god-damned squeaking. I thought something was f-ed with my computer and after not touching the keys for a bit I still heard it.

I decided to fuck all because I wanted to eat anyway and left, giving up as I usually do in these situations.

Later I had forgotten all about the cheeping and sat down on my good ol' handy-dandy laptop to check stocks and feed my online pets on Facebook (note: I do nether of those things). I was just sitting there when a huge ass shadow swooped over my room. At first I came to the panicked but clever conclusion that it was a moth, just probably with a 3-foot wingspan. I didn't even think that to calm myself down, I just actually thought that. But upon actually turning around I saw to my surprise that there was a fully grown bat flying around my room. My first reaction was to blow towards it. Surprisingly, that didn't phase the bat. Then I just said "Ahhh.". Quite literally just "Ahhh." in some hope that that would shield myself or summon ninjas to escort it out of my room. I called my brother a few times, he's kind of like a ninja except he didn't come. He just said "what?" and then stopped talking. All the while this probably blind animal flew helplessly around my room. I eventually left my room and closed the door. 

I returned later with my brother, a towel, a broom, and my mother, who promised to help get it out (wtf) with all her courage with things big and small (lies). The mother will (haha) protect her children from the blood-sucking bat (it was a bug-eating bat).

The bat was hanging on my curtain. It was at that fucked moment I yelled "THE SQUEAKING NOISE!" and almost made everyone to go into cardiac arrest. In the end I ended up catching the poor lil' guy in the towel while my mother just yelled "Just put it out the window, put the whole thing out the window, get it out the window!" She, at the time, was cowering in the farthest corner from the bat. Please keep in mind bats are one of her favorite animals. I let the bat out and he flew off, no harm done. We all just went back to our shit.

Today that bat thing made me realize why I don't talk in school much. Literally nothing interesting happens to me, and the things that do no one will understand. I told people about it and they asked me questions about it in class, I was finally one of those assholes! I felt so cool.

- Ed

Texting

Am I the only one that knows how to text? You know how you'll be texting someone and the conversation will end, and if you tried to start a new one it would be awkward? So you just don't text back. Which I normally do and it all works out, it's an understandable thing to do.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND is that I won't text back and 10 minutes later I'll get text like:
"so whats up?" and I literally do not know how to answer that question. I could be traveling across the world on Leonard Nimoy's midriff and I still wouldn't be able to answer that question. I'm just one of those people who can't tell anyone what I'm doing because normally I'm doing something really boring, or I'm doing something that's too complicated that I don't want to take my fucking energy to type out what this shit is that I am doing. Why does someone even want to know what I'm doing? Are they recording it?


But I'm way too much of a shit eater so I usually say something like "Not much, you?" which is sort of like saying go fuck yourself. I didn't even want to talk to this person anyway, which makes me question why I keep giving my number to people at school. I honestly don't know why when someone asks "Do you have a phone?" I don't just say "No, I do not have a cellular phone, you shart-eating fudge bag."

People are just awful.


-Ed