The Bat Episode

Once upon a time I was playing Minecraft on my computer. Holy shit this story is already so fascinating. I was walkin' around, doin' some shit, which is actually all I know how to do on Minecraft. I'm pretty good at Minecraft, though. (I have no idea how to play Minecraft correctly.) (I'm really bad at playing Minecraft.) Anyway, I was doin' stuff when I heard a weird ass squeaking-cheeping sound. At first I was like "holy fuck does Minefart have mice now, what is this shit?" I didn't know what to do so I went out of my little cave and ran around, and I still heard that god-damned squeaking. I thought something was f-ed with my computer and after not touching the keys for a bit I still heard it.

I decided to fuck all because I wanted to eat anyway and left, giving up as I usually do in these situations.

Later I had forgotten all about the cheeping and sat down on my good ol' handy-dandy laptop to check stocks and feed my online pets on Facebook (note: I do nether of those things). I was just sitting there when a huge ass shadow swooped over my room. At first I came to the panicked but clever conclusion that it was a moth, just probably with a 3-foot wingspan. I didn't even think that to calm myself down, I just actually thought that. But upon actually turning around I saw to my surprise that there was a fully grown bat flying around my room. My first reaction was to blow towards it. Surprisingly, that didn't phase the bat. Then I just said "Ahhh.". Quite literally just "Ahhh." in some hope that that would shield myself or summon ninjas to escort it out of my room. I called my brother a few times, he's kind of like a ninja except he didn't come. He just said "what?" and then stopped talking. All the while this probably blind animal flew helplessly around my room. I eventually left my room and closed the door. 

I returned later with my brother, a towel, a broom, and my mother, who promised to help get it out (wtf) with all her courage with things big and small (lies). The mother will (haha) protect her children from the blood-sucking bat (it was a bug-eating bat).

The bat was hanging on my curtain. It was at that fucked moment I yelled "THE SQUEAKING NOISE!" and almost made everyone to go into cardiac arrest. In the end I ended up catching the poor lil' guy in the towel while my mother just yelled "Just put it out the window, put the whole thing out the window, get it out the window!" She, at the time, was cowering in the farthest corner from the bat. Please keep in mind bats are one of her favorite animals. I let the bat out and he flew off, no harm done. We all just went back to our shit.

Today that bat thing made me realize why I don't talk in school much. Literally nothing interesting happens to me, and the things that do no one will understand. I told people about it and they asked me questions about it in class, I was finally one of those assholes! I felt so cool.

- Ed